Two Important Lessons

Kenneth N. Condrell, Ph.D.

Child Psychologist

There are countless lessons parents must teach their children over the years. Here are two of the most important.

Lesson One: Saying “I’m Sorry”

Over the years, I’ve counseled many children who had great difficulty making and keeping friends. One general characteristic they shared was that they did not know how to apologize. This made it impossible for them to save a friendship when they behaved poorly and hurt another child’s feelings.

As adults, we know there are times when we need to apologize to repair a relationship that has been damaged by a thoughtless comment or action. Children, however, don’t know how to do this. They need to be taught this very important social skill by their parents.

Sometimes, they’ll mumble, “I’m sorry” in a half-hearted tone of voice, but that’s not an effective apology. An effective apology must include the following:

• A show of sincerity
• A promise not to make the mistake again
• An offer to make things right
• Let’s take a look at each one of these important components of an effective apology.

Sincerity:

In order to inspire a sincere apology, parents have to remind their child how her behavior hurt another child’s feelings. Once she understands, she’s more likely to give a sincere apology.

A promise not to repeat the mistake:

The child must pledge that he will do his best not to repeat the unacceptable behavior.

An offer to make amends:

In other words, your child should ask the offended party, “How can I make it up to you?”

Children as young as 3 can learn how to apologize. It’s an important social skill all children need to learn—one that will benefit them enormously in relationships throughout their lifetimes.

Lesson 2: No Means No

Over the years, I’ve observed parents becoming increasingly reluctant to frustrate their child with a “No” or a time-out. They worry or feel guilty that they’re hurting their child’s feelings, so they back off from their “No” or the time-out the moment she cries or protests.

If you’re one of these parents, let me assure you that there isn’t any way you can get your child ready to handle life without occasionally frustrating or upsetting him.

Children are focused on having their way, even if it means being socially inappropriate or breaking their parent’s rules. As your child’s teacher, you need to point out his mistakes and scold and punish him for them. This is normal parenting.

Over the years, parenthood experts have convinced parents they must avoid making their children cry, feel frustrated or feel guilty about the way they have misbehaved. In my opinion, this kind of advice is absolute nonsense. It waters down a parent’s authority. Because of this way of thinking, today’s “No” from a parent often means “Maybe” or “Yes.”

Almost all children protest when parents teach them how to behave properly. Giving in to this protest, however, only teaches a child that a parent doesn’t mean what she says—and it’s a very poor lesson for a child to learn. In fact, there’s no better way to raise bratty children then by giving in to them and acting more like a friend than the authority in charge.

Each time your child becomes upset when she hears “No,” you need to remind yourself that this word isn’t going to harm her self-esteem or make her fall out of love with you.

Remember, teaching your child these two lessons will help her become a better friend, respect the rules and succeed in life.

*Our parenting advice is given as suggestions only. We recommend you also consult your healthcare provider, and urge you to contact them immediately if your question is urgent or about a medical condition