Maintaining your Identity after Motherhood

Kenneth N. Condrell, Ph.D.

Child Psychologist

During the 1950s my mother was a stay-at-home mom of five children. She prepared the meals, cleaned the house, did the laundry, ironed, shopped, took care of us when we were ill, helped with homework and taught us the most important life lessons. As if this were not enough, at the end of the day, when all of the kids were tucked in bed, my mom helped my father with the family business.

Then we grew up and, one by one, left home. For her part, my mom was lost.

When a woman becomes a mother, her life changes forever. Your children come first; they become the focal point of your life. So how do you deal with the powerful force of motherhood and still maintain your identity as a woman? Here are three suggestions.

1. Promote Independence in Your Children

When a woman becomes a mom she finds herself totally dedicated to her baby’s needs. She is there for her baby 100 percent of the time. However, many women never pass out of this stage, even when their children are mature enough to handle things for themselves. Instead of teaching their children to become independent, many mothers continue doing everything for their children.

Why? Many women argue that they can do things faster and better than their children. No doubt that’s true. But the end result is that you have turned into your kids’ slave by fostering their dependence on you.

To preserve your identity, you must avoid this trap. When your children reach the age of 3, which is typically when kids become enthusiastic about helping out, it’s time to shift gears. Stop doing everything for your children and start encouraging them to contribute, gradually increasing their responsibilities as they mature.

2. Keep the Parenting Partnership Alive

Unless you’re a single mother, you should not be raising your children without dad. Unfortunately, in our society women seem to be programmed to do everything in the family and men seem to be programmed to let women do everything. To keep her identity, a woman must be partnered with a man who shares parenting and household duties. This should be absolutely clear between a man and a woman before they become parents. To encourage this cooperation, I suggest that women leave the children with dad occasionally to do something for themselves outside the home.

Not only will a woman’s identity suffer if she doesn’t have an active parenting partner; when one person does it all, the marriage undoubtedly suffers. So many marriages fail because of a lack of cooperation between mothers and fathers in parenting and managing the family.

3. Make Your Marriage a Priority

In the “olden days” the marriage was at the center of the family rather than the children. Then modern psychologists convinced parents that their homes should be “child-centered.” I disagree with this approach; it has led to disasters in many households.

When parents make their marriage the priority, they ensure their children will grow up in a happy home. In a way, isn’t that putting your children first? A happy home is a true gift to children that they will treasure for the rest of their lives.

I hope these suggestions help you keep your life balanced and your identity as a woman intact. In a month, reread them to see how you’re faring. Good luck!

*Our parenting advice is given as suggestions only. We recommend you also consult your healthcare provider, and urge you to contact them immediately if your question is urgent or about a medical condition.