Misbehaviour: When to Ignore it and When to Stop it

Dr. Kenneth N. Condrell, Ph.D. 

Child Psychologist

When your child misbehaves, are you ever unsure how to react? Do you ever wonder, for example, whether it’s better to put an immediate stop to the misbehavior —or just ignore it altogether?

You’re not alone. Plenty of parents face this dilemma. They’re not certain if it’s worth the trouble to confront misbehavior rather than ride it out. They worry that their attempt to change the bad behavior may only encourage more of it.

What to do? As it turns out, the best course of action depends on the nature of the misbehavior.

To help you determine your response, I have come up with three questions you can ask yourself. Your answers will help you decide whether it’s wisest to ignore your child’s behavior or to take action.

Here are the questions:

1) Is this behavior dangerous to my child or someone else?

2) Is it bothering other people?

3) Is it undermining my authority?

Now, to show you how this works, let’s apply these questions to a couple of different scenarios.

In the first example, a 4-year-old boy at a restaurant leaves the table to play with his toy cars on the floor. The owner tells the boy’s parents that they must return him to the table. The parents wonder whether they were wrong to let him play. After all, he’s only a little boy.

Now, ask yourself the three questions.

1) Was this behavior dangerous? Yes. A waitress could have tripped over the little boy while she was carrying a tray of food.

2) Was it bothering other people? Yes. Diners don’t appreciate children playing at their feet.

3) Was it undermining his parents’ authority? Yes. The boy didn’t ask permission to leave the table. The parents should determine when dinner is over and when he may be excused. That’s not the child’s decision.

In the second example, a young child in a restaurant booth doesn’t like the food on the menu. Despite his parents’ efforts to offer him a variety of choices he begins whining and pouting. Should the parents continue trying to coax him out of his bad mood?

Again, ask yourself the three questions:

1) Is the pouting dangerous? No.

2) Is it bothering anyone else? No. He’s not screaming, after all.

3) Is it undermining the parents’ authority? No.

In this case it’s best to ignore the behavior. By doing so parents don’t reward their child’s poor behavior with their attention. Instead they should place their order and go ahead with their meal. When their son stops whining and pouting, they can order for him. If he doesn’t stop, he misses out on a good meal. This tactic may strike some parents as a bit harsh, but it works. Children quickly learn that they can’t manipulate their parents.

As you can see, different situations call for different reactions. By asking yourself the three questions I have suggested, you’ll be able to choose the most appropriate course of action – and encourage better behavior from your children in the future.