Five Steps for Teaching Kids Not to Talk Back

Breaking Habits

Five Steps for Teaching Kids Not to Talk Back

Dr. Kenneth N. Condrell, Ph.D.
Child Psychologist

The most common form of talking back is rooted in a child's natural desire to push limits to get his or her own way. Since children are children, after all, they have not yet learned to be diplomatic in expressing themselves. This kind of talking back is not serious, but it can be frustrating to you, and embarrassing in public, because it gives the impression your child is a brat and you're not a very effective parent.

Another form of talking back is rooted in anger. This type of talking back is more serious because it can often reflect a problem in your relationship with your child. There are times when children, for one reason or another, begin to become alienated from their parents and many of their responses are angry and defiant and oppositional. This kind of talking back is a signal for getting professional help from a child psychologist.

What I'm offering in this article is a solution for the everyday, garden-variety type of talking back that most kids throw at their parents. If you find you're feeling more and more upset with the way your child snaps back at you, then find a quiet time to talk with your son or daughter—and make sure it is a time when you're not feeling tense or angry. Now follow these five steps…they are not hard:

1. Build your child up. Find some nice ways to compliment your child. Why? Because you are about to criticize your child for talking back, and children always listen better to criticism after they have been made to feel good about themselves. (By the way, this works with adults, too.) Say something like, 'You know, Robert, your dad (or mum) and I are very proud of you. You're a great reader, and you play baseball so well, and you have so many nice friends.' Then, after honestly building up your child, say, 'But you know, Robert, there is one thing you have to work on…there is one thing you have to do better with. Do you know what that is?' If your child is like most kids, he won't have a clue. So say to your child, in a gentle tone, 'It's talking back.'

Okay, you've done it: you have lovingly faced your child with the problem. Now go on to Steps 2--5:

2. After you have focused your child on the problem of talking back, you need to help him understand why talking back is not acceptable. So you tell him a little story. It might go like this: 'Do you know how it hurts when somebody hits you or punches you?' Since your child has no doubt had this experience, he will be able to acknowledge how hitting hurts. Then you say, 'Well, words can also hurt. Words can be like punches. Words can hurt people's feelings. When you talk back, your words can be like a slap in the face.' You can find your own way to say this, but basically, you want to get across that sometimes we can use words to hurt people.

3. The third step involves offering to help your son or daughter with this problem. You remind your child how much you love him, but stress that talking back is a problem both of his parents want to help with. You are going to be your child's advocate—you are, in other words, going to be on your child's side to help improve his behaviour. Tell your child, 'From now on, we are going to have a new rule in this house. It is called, 'The Rule of Respect.' This rule means that when you're upset or angry you can still tell us what you're feeling, but you can't mistreat us with nasty words.'

4. After introducing 'The Rule of Respect,' explain to your child, 'From now on when you start to talk back, your dad (or mum) and I will give you a signal. Maybe the signal will be me putting my finger to my mouth or touching my ear or saying the word 'hot.' We can decide later what the signal will be. When Dad or I give you the signal, that is a warning that you are talking back and you have to find a better way to talk to us. We want to be real fair and we want to help you do better with this problem. If you see or hear our signal and continue to talk back, then we will put a check mark on a piece of paper that we will keep in the kitchen. That check mark means you will be going to bed 15 minutes earlier that night for talking back. If you get four check marks, then that means you will be going to bed one hour earlier.'

5. After Step 4, explain to your child that at the end of each week, you and his dad (or mum) are going to decide how well he has been doing. If it has been a good week—good means he has really tried and has been talking back less—then there will be a privilege. The privilege may be staying up later on the weekend or making popcorn or renting a video or having a friend over or playing a game with you. Each week you say, 'We will decide what privilege you want to try to earn.'

Many parents have found this five-step approach to talking back very helpful. Remember, a good part of parenting is to help your child become a socialized human being. You're the teacher and your child is your student and your home is the classroom. How to express yourself respectfully is one of the many lessons you will be teaching your child.

Letter Puzzles

Materials

• Construction paper
• Child's blunt-tip safety scissors
• Glue

Instructions

1. From the paper, cut rectangles 1/2 inch by 4 inches, rectangles 1/2 inch by 2 inches, circles with 4-inch diameters, and circles with 2-inch diameters.
2. Cut some circles in half.
3. Show your child how to arrange the shapes on paper to form letters.
4. Help him trim some of the shapes (for example, to form the curved ascender in the letter f, or the curved descender in the letter j).
5. Glue the shapes into place to form letters and words.

Starting Solid Foods: Baby Cereal

During your baby’s first few months, the only food he needs is breast milk or formula. Milk provides all the nutrition babies need, and it’s the only food that their mouths and digestive systems are designed to handle. But between 4 and 6 months of age, babies become more physically active. That’s when they first become hungry for, and developmentally ready for, solid foods.

Why shouldn’t I give my baby solid food in the first few months?
Newborns have a natural reflex to suck milk from a nipple. Up to about 4 months of age, if you put a spoon or food on a baby’s lips, his tongue-thrusting reflex will push out the food. This is his natural way of showing that he’s not ready to swallow solid food because he could choke on it. In addition, newborns’ stomachs and intestines are not yet ready to digest solid food. If you give your baby solid food too early, it can cause abdominal discomfort, constipation and a greater chance of developing food allergies. Don’t put cereal in your baby’s bottle, unless your doctor tells you to because your baby has a special medical condition such as petroltroesophageal reflux.

How do I know when my baby is ready for solid foods?
Most babies are ready to start eating solid foods between 4 and 6 months of age. Premature babies may be ready a little later. Since each baby’s development is different, look for the following signs that your child is ready:

  Her head control is good and she can sit up alone or with support.

  She shows more interest in food. She may start to watch you closely when you eat, open her mouth when she sees food and lean forward and reach out toward your food.

  She can close her mouth around the spoon and use her lips and tongue to swallow the food rather than spitting it out.

  Her appetite is increasing and she seems hungrier than before.

What solid foods should I feed my baby first?
For most babies, the first solid food is baby cereal. Baby cereal is nutritious and gives your baby good practice eating from a spoon. Be sure to buy iron-fortified baby cereal, since your baby needs the extra iron to grow. Start out with rice cereal, then oatmeal and barley cereals; try wheat and mixed cereals later, since they can cause allergies. Give your baby only one new food at a time for at least two to three days to watch for possible signs of allergic reactions such as vomiting, diarrhea or a rash. If you see any of these signs, stop the food and talk with your doctor.

You can give your baby cereal that is pre-mixed in a jar or you can mix your own from dry baby cereal. Start by adding 4 to 5 teaspoons of breast milk or formula to 1 teaspoon of dry cereal, and adjust the amount of liquid to get the thickness that’s easiest for your baby to swallow. Begin with thinner cereal and then thicken it as your baby gets better at swallowing. Your baby may start eating only a few spoonfuls at a time, but may later increase to eating about ½ cup or 4 ounces, the amount in a small jar of baby food.

How should I feed my baby?
You can start feeding your baby cereal at any time of the day. To encourage your baby to eat, you can begin the meal with a few spoonfuls of cereal when your baby’s hungry, and give him breast milk or formula afterwards.

Here are some tips for feeding your baby cereal:
Make sure he’s sitting up to prevent choking. You can seat him on your lap, in an infant seat or in a high chair propped up with some pillows, if necessary.

Expect a mess—food splattered on his face, hands, hair, clothes, the high chair, the floor and even you. Let him touch and explore the food if he wants. Be prepared with a bib, a plastic mat on the floor and a damp face cloth for clean up. You may even need to give him a bath.

Face your baby, show him how to open his mouth and talk with him encouragingly about how good the food is, and what a good job he’s doing.

Use a baby spoon and start with ¼ or ½ spoonful of cereal. Hold the spoon about a foot from his face and wait for him to see the food and open his mouth to eat it. Feed him as quickly or as slowly as he wants to eat.

Look for signs that your baby’s done. He may lean away from the food, close his lips tightly, shake his head or turn it away, push the food away with his hands or start fussing. That’s when you know it’s time to stop feeding him. In the first few feedings, your baby might wrinkle up her face, spit out the food, or even gag. Don’t be alarmed; it’s her normal reaction to a new taste and texture. Try again later as your baby is more likely to accept it with practice. If, after a few tries, your baby still can’t swallow the cereal, she might not be ready. If that’s the case, try again in a week or two.

What about the breast milk or formula?
In your baby’s first year of life, breast milk or formula is still his major source of nutrition. When your baby starts eating cereal, he may continue to drink about the same amount of breast milk or formula for a while. But over the next six months, as your baby eats more solid food, he’ll get more nutrition from his food and less from milk. By the time he’s 1, your baby should be eating a balance of solid food and milk— three meals a day and no more than 16 to 24 ounces of milk.

What about my baby’s bowel movements?
When your baby starts eating cereal and solid food, his bowel movements will naturally change. You might notice that his bowel movements become more solid, darker coloured, or that they change colours (greenish when he eats peas, for example, or reddish when he eats beets). The stools will also have a stronger odor. All of this is normal and nothing to worry about. But if your baby develops diarrhea (watery stools), constipation (hard, painful stools) or blood in his stools, be sure to contact your doctor.

How do I advance to more baby foods?
Once your baby can eat cereal from a spoon, he’s ready to start other pureed foods such as fruits, vegetables, and meats. For more information on this stage, read my article titled “Advancing Baby Foods: Fruits, Vegetables, and Meats.”

Upsy-Daisy *

Your baby will soon lose two reflexes she had at birth—the grasp reflex and the baby-doll reflex (she opens her eyes when she sits up)—as she gains more control over her movements. While she still has them, play Upsy-Daisy to take advantage of these reflexes!

Leaning Skills:       

• Anticipation and surprise 
•  Grasping
• Head and neck control
• Social interaction

Materials: 

 • Soft, unslippery surface
• Your hands

      What to do:
1. Lay your baby on a soft, unslippery surface, such as a carpet.
2. Sit at her feet, facing her.
3. Place your thumbs in your baby’s palms and let her grasp them. As she does, wrap your fingers around the backs of her hands.
4. Slowly pull your baby to a sitting position and say, “Upsy-Daisy” as you go.
5. After your baby’s had a mument to see your happy face and enjoy the game, lay her back down and play again.
 

     Safety:  Be sure to hold on to your baby’s hands in case she lets go of her grasp. Move slowly so your baby doesn’t get a neck injury.

Wishing upon a star

In remembrance, and with hope, here’s a wish that children all over the world live with peace and laughter, love and learning …

Special Weekend Offer!

Coupon Code:  20PROMO


Valid from :22/06/2012 to 24/06/2012

What will my newborn baby look like?

Q: I’m due in April and I’m wondering what my newborn baby will look like? I've heard that newborn babies are not as pretty as their parents expect them to be.
— Submitted by Liza in New Hope
A:Craig L. Bissinger, M.D.
Newborns certainly have a different look than your “Gerber® baby,” but that’s not to say they don’t look amazing to their parents.

Babies are as varied in their birth appearance as you or I. They will have matted hair, just as if you got out of a swimming pool. They might even have a cheesy film coating their skin. This is known as vernix. Sometimes their head has a cone shape as the result of the pressure of coming through the pelvic bones. Their lips and nose may remind you of a prize-fighter who had a bad day too. In the end, you will see right through these mumentary cosmetic peculiarities and see the world’s most beautiful baby—YOURS.

Your baby’s birth appearance will change quickly. By the time you leave the hospital, your baby will look even magnificent.