How not to raise a brat

Dr. Kenneth N. Condrell, Ph.D.

Child Psychologist

No parent wants to raise a brat, so, let's make sure you don't! In my opinion, the best way to not raise bratty children is to learn the mistakes that go into making a brat. This may seem like an unusual approach, but once you've learned what to do wrong; you will have greater confidence about what to do right. Here are the steps to take if you want to raise a demanding, selfish, rude, self-centered rascal who couldn't care less about rules and the feelings of others:

• Make sure you rarely point it out to your child when he is doing something wrong. To raise a brat, you need to be permissive and allow your child to get away with all sorts of things (look around the next time you go shopping and you'll see parents allowing their children to behave inappropriately.) The crucial point here is that you don't want to give your child any idea he is bothering you or someone else. You see, a child who is a brat never learns that his behaviour is troublesome for others; he just enjoys himself at everyone's expense.

• If you give your child feedback about how awful his behaviour is, make sure to do it in a wimpy way--in other words, give him a watered-down reprimand. Here's how: scold your child, but at the same time, look at him adoringly. Your words will express disapproval, but your facial expression will be saying, 'You are so precious to me.' In this way, your scolding will immediately be washed away by your sweet, loving look, and this will convince your little one that you really don't mean what you say. Your attention and adoring look will encourage him to return to his pesty behaviour before you can blink an eye.

• One of the best ways to train your child to be a brat is to set a limit and naively go on to something else, never expecting your child to break your rule. So set limits, and then quickly go off and do something else that takes your attention away from your child. For example, tell your little boy not to get in the car parked in the driveway to play. After giving your son this instruction, walk away. Since most children will test their parents to see if they really mean what they say, chances are high your son will get in the car (Walking away or becoming distracted is the mistake you want to avoid, because most children will do what you just warned them not to do. And weak limit-setting teaches that persistence pays off.)

• Make sure you take your child everywhere you go and include him in most, if not all, of your adult activities. I can't tell you the number of times I was invited to dinner, only to be sitting next to a 2-year-old dining at 9:00 p.m.! By doing everything with your child, you are teaching him one of the most important lessons a brat learns: 'mummy and Daddy do not have a separate life from me, and I can expect always to be the centre of attention and more important than anyone else.'

• Make it a habit of giving in to your child when his behavior is miserable. This teaches a child that awful behavior brings him what he wants.

Now, let me turn this around and give you the prescription for not creating a brat:

1. Say 'no' and mean it.

2. Never give in to your child when his behavior is miserable.

3. Have an adult life, leave the kids home sometimes and nurture your marriage.

4. Scold your child when necessary and mean it, even if you have to pretend you're upset.

5. Give your child feedback lovingly when he bothers others.

6. Set limits, expect them to be broken, and pay attention to what happens next. Follow-up with another reprimand, if necessary. In this way you will communicate, 'I mean what I say.'

7. All children act bratty from time to time, especially when they are tired and not feeling well. But a real brat is another story, and these children can make parenting a joyless experience and cause parents to feel like failures. I hope that now you know how not to raise a brat, you'll be on your way to a more stress-free life as a parent!